I have my moments, moments when I believe in myself and my potentials with every fiber in my body, moments when I’m so motivated that I wake up so early in the morning without an alarm. Moments when I know with certain clarity that Jesus loves me perfectly and unconditionally. Then there are those times when I feel lost, confused, inadequate, impatient and the line between my weaknesses and my strengths is blurred that I doubt everything I know.
Have you ever done something that made you felt so inadequate? Well I was a model for a short while and it was the perfect job for a young woman trying to find herself after a breakup to make a perfect recipe for inadequacy and ruin self confidence but more on this later.
I make dresses as a hobby and on Fridays I can’t wait to get home from work, usually the train ride back home seem so short for my book reads but on days like today I feel like its taking ages, on every stop I count how many minutes it will take before the next stop and the minute I get to my stop I race home, even though I’m hungry, I pass through the kitchen without a second thought of what’s in the fridge for dinner or even if there is food at all. I change into my comfy pjs and head to my fabric compartment, grab out this beautiful pink brown abstract African print fabric and get to work.
You see I have this inspiration in my head, I have this particular cut I would like to get and I would like to see this piece come to life before the end of the weekend. So I cut my fabric and head over to the machine and start sewing, I tell myself if I don’t get this done I’m not going to bed. Some occasion Im in love with the pieces I make straight away. But today I doubt if I actually got this inspiration in my head right, if it’s good enough to share, if I can leave the house in it. Today I’m I’m living in self doubt, I know there is a healthy way to self criticism but isn’t it.
As a student in college I used to model as a way to make some extra cash. Even though I love the technical world of computing and enjoy it, there is another part of me which has always loved fashion and glamour. I remember getting audition calls and getting really excited and hopeful, then I remember the nerves that came with the shooting days. In most cases the auditions were always attended by beautiful tall girls, who could walk comfortably in 7inch high heels, (I still struggle to walk in 5) who knew some little details as to which bra size they were. We were both there wanting the same job which on most cases was based on how we looked on the outside.
I had fun and enjoyed every bit but deep inside somehow I always felt inadequate. On auditions I forgot why I was there and why I loved modelling but focused on my inadequacy and all the limitations I could possibly imagine. The modelling world crushed on my self esteem but this is a story for another day. It’s been a while since then and have fought so hard to know when my thoughts are negative or constructive self criticism I still doubt myself but now with the help of prayer I find my calm and I know every learning process has steps and with this blog I’m sharing a little bit my learning and I couldn’t let this particular post stay in my not good enough box.